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When you see the world differently to your family
Last night, I had a chat with my grandmother in South Africa. We had the usual chit chat about what she is up to, the family, etc. She asked me how Caily was and I shared some cute stories. She commented that even though she is cute now, I will need to look after her the rest of my life. She then sighed and said: What can you do when G-d gives you challenges?
Her voice had the resigned tone of: "The poor Samuels, their lives are full of tragedy." My grandmother has two disabled grand children and now a disabled great grandchild.....from her world view things are rather pessimistic.
We spoke at 3:00 a.m. NY time and, instead of collapsing in bed, I pondered this conversation. I am a realist: While I hope that Caily will achieve great things and be the poster Downs syndrome kid, I also know that she simply may not. This is where our differences in approach come in. We call it active acceptance. In contrast, passive acceptance is resigning yourself to the fact that you have a disabled kid and pretty much sounding like my grandmother. Basically, through lack of choice, you play the hand you are dealt.
Not us--from the day we heard the news, we have reframed the world. We have a special needs child--yes, she has challenges, but she also brings us joy. She has opened our eyes and made us better people. So often, I think about the typical people in my Manhattan world who have jobs, health, live in a city with so much to offer to make them happy and yet they are so unhappy. Caily's world is simple and happy. I am grateful for the message she teaches us each day.
I have read many blogs of singles sharing their pain, people with disabled kids, stories of bad marriages, financial woes. People questioning god, bearing their pain. You name it. However, I have never seen a statement in Torah that says, G-d shall grant you a life of perfection, free from issues.
While I love my grandmother I disagree that my life is one worthy of sadness, even if I have to look after Caily for the rest of my life.
Metroimmas, share a situation that brings you joy that others empathize with...
Her voice had the resigned tone of: "The poor Samuels, their lives are full of tragedy." My grandmother has two disabled grand children and now a disabled great grandchild.....from her world view things are rather pessimistic.
We spoke at 3:00 a.m. NY time and, instead of collapsing in bed, I pondered this conversation. I am a realist: While I hope that Caily will achieve great things and be the poster Downs syndrome kid, I also know that she simply may not. This is where our differences in approach come in. We call it active acceptance. In contrast, passive acceptance is resigning yourself to the fact that you have a disabled kid and pretty much sounding like my grandmother. Basically, through lack of choice, you play the hand you are dealt.
Not us--from the day we heard the news, we have reframed the world. We have a special needs child--yes, she has challenges, but she also brings us joy. She has opened our eyes and made us better people. So often, I think about the typical people in my Manhattan world who have jobs, health, live in a city with so much to offer to make them happy and yet they are so unhappy. Caily's world is simple and happy. I am grateful for the message she teaches us each day.
I have read many blogs of singles sharing their pain, people with disabled kids, stories of bad marriages, financial woes. People questioning god, bearing their pain. You name it. However, I have never seen a statement in Torah that says, G-d shall grant you a life of perfection, free from issues.
While I love my grandmother I disagree that my life is one worthy of sadness, even if I have to look after Caily for the rest of my life.
Metroimmas, share a situation that brings you joy that others empathize with...
Comment
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Comment by Ofira Furhang on May 4, 2011 at 6:18pm -
I am a Physical Therapist and work with Down's children. They are challenging at first because they are testing how much they can get away with, but once you have shown them that you are serious about your expectations and give them tons of positive reinforcement they perform!! In my experience when these kids hit nine years old, they his a maturity level that enables them to reach great milestones. Keep the great positive attitufe!
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Comment by Sarah Alevsky on April 5, 2011 at 6:14pm -
"I have read many blogs of singles sharing their pain, people with disabled kids, stories of bad marriages, financial woes. People questioning god, bearing their pain. You name it. However, I have never seen a statement in Torah that says, G-d shall grant you a life of perfection, free from issues."
I love this. Sometimes I think that blogging exists for many people just to vent and kvetch. If more people would take the time to point out the good things in their lives, and focus on the positive, the blogosphere may be a happier place. Your perspective is refreshing: realistic and optimistic at the same time. As always, truly inspiring.
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Comment by Claire Ginsburg Goldstein on April 5, 2011 at 4:02pm -
I have two children who aren't what you call "normal". They appear normal but they aren't. One son is ADHD and ODD. I have another one who can't retrieve the information in the same way that you or I can. She has the info stored but is denied access to it. I spend a great deal of time being challenged by the two of them because their grades aren't normal either. It is a combination of their behavior that is influenced by their needs to be societal normal. It will never happen. They have to learn how to cope and so do I. I have another two children who are considered normal by many scales of judging normal. One child is edgy and quick to blow up. One child has little patience for anyone who says anything "stupid" or with no thought. I have little energy left for me because I worry about them all the time. I can't control them but I can try to guide them. But even then, I can't guide them like I would like to. I am being tested constantly with no break. I pray every day that they will grow to be menschen. When I am not worrying about them, I feel the nachat that G-d has blessed me with because I was given the opportunity to be their mother. There are so many things that they taught me because I am their mother. I am challenged yes, but I am blessed as well.
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