Mixed Messages

SpeakNicely is inspired by many people, one of whom certainly needs her own SpeakNicely page: Sarah C. Radcliffe, who practices psychology in Toronto, writes so beautifully on parenting and often uses messages about the power of words. We’ve gleaned her articles, read her books, communicated and hope to even meet her some day. In the meantime we would like to share some of her writings with you. Following is an excerpt from one of her recent articles.

Adults and children get confused about their relationships. When a spouse criticizes the other often, or even yells, regardless of how many times the phrase “I love you” is uttered, he or she can’t say for sure how his/her spouse feels about them. The one thing they know for sure is that they no longer trust the other, or frankly, care for them very much.

Children can also become uncertain. Little Dini, for instance, can’t figure out whether her mother loves her or hates her. At times, she receives gentle, approving, even adoring attention. At other times, however, Dini experiences her mother’s “other side.” For no reason that she can decipher, her mother can be short-tempered and irritable, even explosive at times. Dini is only seven and knows nothing of the adult world and its stresses. She feels loved and adored, and hated and despised. She’s not sure if she’s a good girl or a bad girl. Experiencing the love-hate dynamic as “normal,” she grows up internalizing the lesson that “love hurts.” When she marries, her ability to establish healthy boundaries will be compromised. She’ll never have learned that people who love each other, treat each other well always, even when they are stressed or tired.

The Flip Side: Consistency

Rageful, hurtful, destructive communication has no place in any kind of loving relationship. Sure, people will feel irritated, hurt, and angry at their loved ones from time to time. And yes, they are allowed to express their emothions – but always with sensitivity to the person being spoken to. Being able and willing to put the brakes on one’s mouth is an essential skill for building and preserving the feeling of love in any important relationship. Use whatever resources you have, self-help, study/learning, or professional help – in order to acquire this ability. You owe it to yourself and your family.

Thank you Sarah for this thoughtful insight. Her book:

Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice is filled with nuggets of easy to digest information with anecdotes and helpful tips.