The Gifts that Keep On Giving

The Gifts that Keep On Giving
By Deborah Grayson Riegel, MSW, ACC

“I’m glad I caught you. I wanted to tell you a story about your kids,” began the principal of my third-grade twins’ Jewish Day School. And despite her casual tone, I suddenly stood erect, sucked in my stomach (as if that would help), and readied myself to hear an account that would require “a little chat” at home.

“So, Jacob and Sophie were playing basketball at recess together,” she began.

(Playing together? That never turns out well.)

“Suddenly, Jacob decided to sit it out. As he said, ‘I have a SPLIT-ting headache’.”

(Dramatic. That’s my boy.)

“And then Sophie stopped playing and sat down next to him.”

(When does the mocking begin?)

“That’s when Sophie put Jacob’s head in her lap, starting gently rubbing his head, and stayed with him until the end of recess.”

(Who was she talking about? Can this be true?)

It can be true. It was true. What was also true was that I often fall into the habit of seeing my kids’ deficiencies, while my children’s principal viewed them through a lens that focused on their gifts.

This isn’t just a parent trap. Maybe you’ve found yourself trying to avoid having to work on a project with Dogmatic Dave. Or you’ve walked counter-clockwise around the Kiddush table to circumvent Sensitive Sarah. Or you’ve been ignoring Bombastic Ben’s repeated attempts to join your organization’s board. And if you’re like most people, you’ll find abundant support for your perspective.

But what does upholding the deficiency perspective cost us?

It costs us time and energy. It costs us trust (seriously, when was the last time you felt closer to someone who kept pointing out what they thought was wrong with you?). It costs us progress. According to organizational consultant Peter Block, author of “The Answer to How is Yes,” the most effective way to gain leverage in our personal and workplace relationships is to focus on the gifts that each person brings and capitalize on those. Instead of “problematizing” people and work, we need to confront individuals and organizations with their gifts – and then invite them to put those gifts into action.

Rabbi Yonah tells the story of an elderly sage who was walking along a path with his student when they passed a dog’s rotting corpse. The repulsed student yelled, “this corpse is so disgusting!” His Rabbi answered, “but what lovely white teeth it has!” This Rabbi knew how to have the “Gifts Conversation” -- and how to teach it.

Here’s my gift to you -- five questions to start your own “Gifts Conversation”:

1. What’s working for you right now?
   
2. What are your gifts and assets?
3. What’s the unique value that you bring to this relationship/organization/others?
4. What could I/we learn from you?
5. What gifts do you hold in exile that you’d like to welcome in?
   

“The holy one created light out of darkness.” (Leviticus Rabbah 31:8). And you can, too.

Deborah Grayson Riegel is a coach, speaker and facilitator who helps individuals and organizations achieve personal and professional “Success without the Tsuris”. You can visit Deborah online at www.myjewishcoach.com and www.elevatedtraining.com. Read Deborah Grayson Riegel’s full columns online at the New York Jewish Week homepage at www.thejewishweek.com.